One of the most painful aspects of divorce is the feeling of powerlesness that is an inevitable and intrinsic part of the process. Feeling you have little or no control over your life is true in almost every divorce and for EACH PERSON regardless of whether or not you were the initiator or whether your divorce is amicable or hostile. It is normal to feel scared, angry and powerless and I can assure you that your former spouse feels the same way.
Divorce is one of the most stressful life experiences a person can have. It is a restructuring of your life in almost every aspect: your finances, where you live, how/when you parent your children, socially and possibly even your job or career. The person you're divorcing is driving the shape of much of this restructuring and as such, they have a great deal of influence over your life, certainly more influence than you are likely to want them to have. If they are hostile, manipulative, stubborn and destructive this can become frustrating and distressing to the point of feeling close to losing your sanity.
However, you are not powerless, there are things you can do:
*Validate your feelings. You are not losing your mind, you are going through a painful, upsetting and scary process.
*Find good legal support. Ask around, check references, make a list of important questions and make sure your attorney or mediator is giving you an accurate picture of what to expect and not selling you false hopes.
*Remind yourself that your soon-to-be ex-spouse is probably feeling very similarly to you. Even if you feel that things are going against you and the scales are tipping unfairly in your spouse's favor, chances are good that they are feeling the same way. Divorce is very rarely an all-or-nothing situation; you are both making compromises and searching for new ways to move forward.
*Ask yourself if you truly are powerless. There are things you cannot change and you're going to have to adapt to things you won't like, but you probably have a lot more power than you realize. Reach out to professionals, look on-line, get second opinions, speak to other divorced people and see what options may be available to you to feel more empowered.
*Take care of yourself physically and emotionally by getting good sleep, eating right, exercising, nurturing yourself with massages, yoga, meditation, retreats, anything that brings you peace. Seeking support from a therapist can help you regain inner peace and find ways to cope so things feel more manageable.
*Lastly, remember that this will end at some point and you will have much more control over your life again.
