The single most important gift you can give your children is to maintain an amicable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse.
I’m not saying this is easy, not even remotely. One of the biggest issues for divorcing couples is how to co-parent. Clearly, there are reasons you are separating and chances are you and your former spouse have not been getting along for a while. Most likely there are now feelings of hurt, anger, hostility and resentment. How do you co-parent when you can barely stand talking to the other parent?
While you may feel rage, hatred and disgust towards your former spouse, your children probably still love him/her and, even more importantly, they need your permission to do so. Children see and feel themselves to be a blending of both parents. When one parent expresses hostile feelings towards the other (even non-verbal hostility such as sighing or rolling-the-eyes), your child feels that you are expressing that hostility and rejection about them. They are not able to separate your feelings towards their other parent from your feelings towards them.
I often give my divorced/divorcing patients an article by Bill Ferguson “Tips For Parents In Divorce”. His website is www.divorceasfriends.com or he can be reached at 713-520-5370. It’s an excellent article that can serve as a solid guideline for parents. Here are some of the main points:
· Do everything you can to have the family unit continue
· Let your children know that it’s ok to love both parents
· Reinforce the idea that your children have two homes
· Let your children know that you will always love them
· Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault
· Maintain a good working relationship with the other parent
· Keep the other parent advised on all important matters
· Make it easy for your children to express their feelings
· Speak positively about the other parent
· Allow your children to stay children
In most divorces, these are not easy tasks to accomplish. It’s essential that you focus on the emotional needs of your children rather than your anger and hatred towards your former spouse. Acknowledging your children’s love of their other parent does not negate your own feelings of hurt and anger. Both are valid and real, but you should strive to separate the two. Some professional support and guidance can be very helpful in accomplishing this.
